…One of my dearest friends had married a very difficult person.
I could usually control my negative responses to him, but one day all my “penned-up” feelings bolted the corral.
My husband and I, along with our 16 month old baby, stopped by my friend’s house for a brief visit. Within moments of arriving, our daughter merely touched his record albums lined up on the floor. He screamed at her violently as if she were an adult who had done an atrocity. That was the tipping point – I could no longer tolerate his deplorable behavior and I became furious.”
I picked up our scared and sobbing baby, located my husband, and exclaimed that we were “not welcome in the house.” I stormed toward the car and we headed home leaving my friend in shock and in tears.
But for the sake of “keeping the peace” and preserving a valued relationship, I administered a half-hearted, faux apology. Time after time, in silent anger I sat at the same table with “that man” during holiday meals and special gatherings. Flagrantly draped in self-righteousness, I continuously rejected him. I judged him unworthy of my time or attention. I had no remorse for my wrong reactions; they seemed justified.
His actions were wrong, there is no denying that; but I did not see that my reactions were equally wrong.
During those years I went about my daily routines at home and work displaying my “good-Christian-badge” while I continued to pass judgment on others’ bad behavior. In difficult relationships and situations my internal responses were filled with sarcasm. I continually scolded myself, “Control your reactions, improve your perfor- mance, and be nice.” I tried unsuccessfully to manage and restrict my wrong thoughts and feelings.
But those very thoughts, attitudes, and reactions revealed my real inner being – not so pretty.
Twenty years passed before that scenario came to my mind again. One day both my head and my heart were en- gaged as I read God’s Word. I began to hear and understand that Christ’ sacrifice on the cross paid every sin debt in full. Then I remembered Jesus did not retaliate when He was despised and beaten. Astonishingly He forgave them. This awareness shook the ground I was standing on. This was Christ’s heart toward humanity, toward me, and toward that man.
But what was my attitude? Delving into my heart, I uncovered my belief system. I believed whatever I felt instead of believing God’s truth. While my heart was full of resentment, I had exalted myself and devalued others. I had elevated myself above Christ and devalued His full payment for sin on the cross. If you would have asked me if I wanted that man punished, I would have said “No.” But I actually dealt out punishment with my willful indigna- tion and scorn.
What was going on in my head? My brain felt divided. Actually, I was “double minded” choosing judgment and condemnation for others – but wanting mercy and compassion for myself. All this time the answers were clearly before me, but I had not been in agreement with God.
At last I began to agree with God’s mercy and truth, and that gave me the courage to honestly admit I had sinned against God. I realized that Christ’s pure, selfless act of love paid for this man’s wrong action, and Christ’s love also bore the punishment for my very wrong reactions. I forgave that man from my heart.
When I finally believed God and trusted Christ, His truth cut through the chaotic and tangled webs of my confu- sion and turmoil. My reactions to difficult people began to spontaneously change from bitterness and anger to mercy and compassion.
Since that time, I have been on a glorious pathway of understanding God’s astonishing truth. My heart’s desire is to love others as He loves them and to be a humble, living vessel for Him to flow through. I am beginning to live in the extraordinary, life-giving, selfless, unceasing love God has for us. I am continually encouraged as I daily press forward to the goal of absolute agreement with Jesus Christ.
God has given all of us astonishing hope in the cross and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is faithful in every instance, always drawing us to Him. My heart is filled with hope.
I am confident that the good work God started in me and others, He will complete; therefore I put all my trust in Christ. My confidence in Christ is firm.
Because I took many detours – up and down the byway of scorn and resentment – it took me a long time to au- thentically trust Christ. Yet here I am, living proof that those who seek God with their whole heart will find Him. God’s transforming truth is re-creating my mind and His mercies wrap around me like a protective hug. Romans 6:4 encourages us, “Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in new- ness of life.”
ELLAINE COSCARELLA • DEC 2014
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